I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize