He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
