This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I want a musical about memes.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
