My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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