wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize