That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
