i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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