dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
