when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
