2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize