can u get pink eye on your cock?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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