you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
