I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
