I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
