she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
