I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
