shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
