Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
