Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
