What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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