Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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