Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
