I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
