did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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