I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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