I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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