So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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