I think my vagina is haunted
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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