dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
