I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize