On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
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