My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize