my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I met the friendliest cop last night
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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