a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize