I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
