I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize