I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize