im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Your penis caused this!
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