Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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