the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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