Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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