I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
