Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
