need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
