You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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