After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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