Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I love you. Go after that dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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