Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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