I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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