Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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