I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
