just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
