I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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