birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
