if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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