Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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