All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
