fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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