Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
