It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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