Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
please come you make the beer taste better
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
