When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
